Graham's 5th birthday came without him on October 2nd. Matt and I decided to have a few friends and family over to remember Graham together. We wanted to watch videos and tell stories and reminisce about our sweet boy. We figured people would want to acknowledge his birthday and perhaps not know how so, we told them! Everyone brought a gift that Graham would have liked and we took them to the Children's hospital at UNC. Then on Graham's actual birthday we took the kids to the zoo. A place we took Graham. A time to remember and a time to distract ourselves!
These are the words I shared at the birthday celebration:
I had many nicknames for Graham. And more than once a day I
would go through my list and he would shake his head yes or no as to which one
I could call him. “Graham, are you my sugar lump? My pumpkin pie? My muffin
top? My stinky dink? My pookie doo? My snooki snook?”
I miss him terribly. I miss holding him. I miss his smile. I
miss watching him dance and reading him books. I miss being constantly in awe
of him for how smart and how brave he was.
Graham endured much suffering during his short life. As I
attempt to process all that has happened I play each scene over and over in my
head and wonder how differently things might have been if this had happened or
that hadn’t happened. But I always manage to come full circle, back to God’s
sovereignty. If God had wanted things to turn out differently for Graham then
He would have orchestrated that. We could have lost Graham many times during
that awful 6 month stay at Duke Hospital. But we were blessed with two more
years with him. Two years to make precious memories with his siblings and to
get a genetic diagnosis that gave us some needed answers.
Thankfully, most days, Matt and I are both able to accept
what has happened and continue to trust in the Lord for strength to carry on. I
am so thankful for that and I attribute that to the many prayers of our friends
and family.
I heard another bereaved parent say that he felt like the paralytic
in the gospels whose friends carried him to Jesus on a mat and lowered him
through the roof to be healed. When we have been so paralyzed by trauma and now
grief, our friends and family have picked us up and carried us to Jesus. I know
many of you have probably prayed harder for Graham and our family than I myself
have. I’m so grateful. Thank you for continuing to carry us to Jesus.
It brings me great joy when Ben or Hallie mention Graham.
They seem to accept the idea that “Graham is in heaven with Jesus.” I don’t
think they understand it but they have an answer, and they can repeat it. Occasionally
they mention him, and Matt and I talk about him too. Mostly when we doing
something Graham liked to do or playing with a toy that Graham liked. A few
weeks after Graham passed we were swinging outside and Ben said, “Mommy, I wish
Graham could come back home.” He was thinking of Graham because he loved to
swing and now his swing was empty.
Just this week while riding in the car, the Hokey Pokey came
on. Hallie said “Mommy, Graham really liked this song. He liked to dance to
this song at the library at story time.” I said, “Yes, he did, baby.” Then she
said, “When Graham comes home we can play this song and dance with him.” As my
eyes filled with tears, I said, “Baby, Graham isn’t going to come back home.
He’s going to stay in heaven forever. But one day, we will get to heaven to be
with him. And then we can all dance together. How’s that sound?” “Ok.” Then Ben
chimed in with “But first we have to get baptized so we can go to heaven.” They
are excited about baptism since their cousin, Hayes, got baptized this summer.
I assured them that you only have to be believe in Jesus to go to heaven. But
it’s good to get baptized to show others that you do believe in Jesus. “Ok.”
Thinking about seeing Graham again one day in heaven gives
Matt and me great hope. In fact, I often pray, begging Jesus to come back soon
and end the pain and suffering of this present world. It seems the veil between
heaven and earth gets a little thinner once you have somebody so dear on the
other side. Don’t get me wrong, it still hurts like hell even though we know Graham
is in heaven. But I read these sweet words recently, that when we see him again,
Graham will thank us for enduring the loss so that he could have his reward
sooner.
